At their strongest, my delusions tell me that I am somehow more important than I am.
They try to plant the idea that the world, and everything that happens in it, is either meant for me or a consequence of my own actions.
I know that I am just one singular man in a world of 8 billion people and the things I do, say, or experience are just tiny little blips on the tapestry of existence, but when I’m in the thick of my delusions I can become convinced that the things I’m experiencing are much bigger than me.
They point to a kind of grandeur. It can be even be scary sometimes.
I could lose myself in a song or a video or even a social media post thinking that it was made specifically for me, Mike Hedrick to see, and the rest of the two thousand or so readers are just collateral.
I find it so easy to lose myself in stuff like this and ruminate on it for hours, picking apart every word, every nuance looking for a meaning that altogether just does not exist.
It gets the best of me on more occasions than I’d like to admit.
Most recently, I’ve found myself entrenched in tarot reading videos on TikTok.
I was spending hours watching them on random thinking that they must be choosing me and that the spirit or God was trying to talk to me through these videos.
It sucked me in so completely because it would always be essentially the same message that I was about to receive incredible abundance or meet my soulmate and even now I’m having a hard time separating myself from them.
The promise of good things in my life and my apparent desperation for those good things fueled an unhealthy cycle of obsession searching for new information about my proposed wealth or love life that was hard to let go of.
That’s how delusions get you though, they prey on your most insecure points and make you think that you could have everything you wanted if you just did the right thing or believed hard enough.
I lost myself completely in those videos almost to the point of psychosis.
I think just a little longer and I would’ve been thinking I was a god or a prophet again and on my way to spread peace to the world.
Social media in general though, is dangerous for people with schizophrenia.
A recurring delusion I’ve heard time and time again is that people believe that something a crush posted online is about them.
The dangerous part is the very real possibility that it could be, instead of just a general statement, and that’s where it’s easy to get hung up.
I’ve even seen jokes on twitter saying something along the lines of “Hello if your tweet is about me, please include my full name at the end.” or “It’s pretty crazy that every hot girl on twitter constantly tweets about me.”
Suffice it to say that this delusion is pretty widespread and a very real phenomenon for a lot of people.
If you have a major mental illness though, it can be harder to distinguish the truth about whether or not something is directed at you.
The rule I use is just always assume that it’s not.
That’s saved me a lot of trouble.
The point of this whole thing is to say that delusions can come so easily and readily, that it’s easy to lose yourself completely if you don’t take a step back.
I know I need to disconnect at least twice a month to get a grip on my mental health and I’m surprised everyone else doesn’t actively do that as well.
You have to be careful, and you have to set some rules for yourself because delusions are all too prevalent when you live with major mental illness.
If you experience this, don’t be afraid to take some time to yourself every now and again.
Realize that you are not alone in thinking these things and center yourself when you can.
You’ll be alright and everything’s gonna work out if you keep these things in mind.